Where art thou?

There are still days in my life that I say "You should be here".

My pain, my anxiety, my frustration, my triumph, my happiness...you understand them all too well and you were both very good at it. Never once did you leave me in all my troubles and my happy times, you were always there to give me words of motivation, support, love and that makes today difficult. I accepted your 'departure' but today I was looking for you for I missed your comfort...you were no where to be found. I missed your voices, your smell, your warm hands, your warm hugs, most of all your laughter...all that remain is just beautiful memories but I want more and I know thats not possible and yet I still insist. Its so hard to forget someone who gave me so much to remember.

I curled in bed under the warm duvet for it is raining outside...I'm cold still...the warmth of your presence is what I crave and that is what I cannot have...anymore. Sometimes I wish you were here so I could tell you how much I need you and how hard everyday has been without you. Nonetheless I will always have this piece of my heart that smiles whenever I think about you.

Dear Mom & Dad, because of you, I am what I am today. Thank you ❤️.

I LOVE YOU

Is time envious or did I manage it badly. I have always had 24 hours a day since I was born and I still have 24 hours now. Nothing has changed. Time is short not because Allah has taken minutes or hours off my 24 hours. Time is short because I am more occupied to doing things that I like though there are times when I have to do things that I don’t like…haha..thats how I see time. My friends will laugh when they see I have revisited this blog again. Its been awhile. Time has always been my reason for not writing…why you may ask..I still don’t have an answer to that…haha…just leave it be and let me just pen what I have been meaning to write.

I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you who have been there for me. I am strong because I have strong people to support me…my late dad was there when I needed guidance, my late mom who recently passed was instrumental in my professional development, my siblings have always been supportive in my ventures, my nephews and nieces have always treated me with care and respect, my uncles and aunties have always been giving me encouragements, my cousins have always offered me a shoulder to cry on when I needed one and my friends who have added more colors to an already colorful life of mine. I needed constant reminder of the blessings I have in life and writing this will remind me always of these awesome individuals. You know who you are. 

When life takes a different turn, only then do we reflect and I wouldn’t want to do that anymore. I have done that too many times and with the blessing of ALLAH I want a change on how I operate in the coming years of age. I welcome positive comments to make me a much better person than I am now. You, the one reading this is encouraged to right me when I am wrong. I might lose my bearing when I am intoxicated with life, I might offend in my pursuit for something better for myself therefor I seek you to correct me for I am just human and I make a lot of mistakes and I don’t want to offend no more. It’s a tiring game and I will always lose in this game because I suck at it…lol. I learned a lot over the years. 

My most treasured lesson is to appreciate life as it is. Love life and love the people who dwell in it. Have you ever procrastinated doing something for your loved ones? Do that no more because it’ll be a regret that we will never be able to make amends once its lost. I have always wanted a ‘me’ time. I envy people who have had that luxury. I wont deny I do have the ‘me’ time but its not enough. I want more..I want it all to myself. But I am not an island and there are people who depended on me be it my time or my shoulder to cry on. Wished I could just go about my own business but deep inside I am obligated to offer such assistance, not because I have to, not because I need to but because I liked to. I am an addict…I get addicted to solving life riddles and it can take a toll on me most times but its what I decided to venture…weird you may say & I tend to agree too…lol…I love life and I love happiness and I am in constant search. I found it in my zikir, I found it in the love I receive from my family, I found it in my job and I found it from the people I meet on my daily commute. Its everywhere. 

The recent passing of my soul mate, my most treasured love, the most precious and priceless piece of my heart, has a taken a dramatic turn in my life. Now I am alone, with no none to come back home to. I will be missing that familiar face that is always eager to see me at the beginning of day before I head for work…I will be missing that familiar face that is always welcoming my return from work…I will be missing that familiar call which acts as an alarm clock reminding me to get ready for work and she will say “Bangun gik nak, terlajak laris kelak oii” …I will be missing that familiar phone call, always checking me out whether I have taken my breakfast or my lunch while I am at work…I will be missing that familiar call asking me to get something on my way back from work… I will be missing that familiar call checking whether I have safely arrived home on my many late nights out… I will be missing that familiar call on family gossips of who did what … I will miss that constant reminder that it is passed my bedtime when I stayed up late to finish my assignments…I will miss late night toast and butter, a favorite of hers… I will miss the food hunting together…above all I will miss HER, MY MOM. 

Loving you was easy MOM, losing you was hard. 

I want more time with her but it is not I who decide. Allah has the upper hand. It’s the Qada and Qadar which I have to abide. Had I known her time was due, I would have given her the universe. But that’s the luxury and privilege which I do not have. Often times we wanted to do more only when its not there. Alhamdulilah, I have done my part, to both my parents by providing them not wealth but love and care. I do not own a multi million-dollar business, I am just an ordinary guy next door who earns peanuts but I dare own up, that I have a multi million-dollar heart that solely belongs to both my parents. I have no regrets though I wished there’s more that I can give, but being human I can only provide them so much. I hope they have been happy with all that I managed. I believe parents will always be happy with whatever we give them no matter how little. Never do they complain…because we will always be their gem…a precious gem regardless whether we have done them injustice in our daily dealings. 

I will weep, I will cry not because I am weak but because I love and miss you loads MOM. 

For those whom she has wronged, please have it in your heart to forgive her for she was also human. 

Jutaan terimakasih di ucapkan kepada mereka yang telah terlibat secara langsung dan tidak secara langsung dalam pengurusan jenazah Allahyarhamah dan juga atas doa kalian. 

Wassalam.

Ya Malik

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

(In the name of Allah, most gracious, most merciful)

Its Saturday 5 January 2013 & here I am seated in the comforts of my room. If I have an option, this is where I wanna be always...haha... O Santa if only you could fulfill this simple wish...haha...

Well anyway, after my first blog, my brain just seems to be popping up with loads of ideas to write...creativity at work? Hmm...i wonder...for so long i have been doing reflections on myself, what i've done and what i should be doing. The one thing that i can safely say I have triumphed is being good to myself. I believe thats important coz you cant simply be good to people around you if you are treating yourself badly. I am a changed person for the better, In Shaa Allah. I used to be a hot tempered indivudual (though sometimes that evil side of me still lurks..yikess!) ... Being a Taurus myself, thats expected. I am stubborn at times, I'm also passionate, intense & secure. The latter does not worry me as much, what worries me most is the hot temperament and the stubborness..ouchh!!..

To cut the story short, how i come to this juncture is thru the kindness of two individuals, Zarina Mohd Rakawi & Amy Haslinda. We used to work at this particular company at one point of our lives, then we had to go our separate ways seeking other employments during the bad economy back in the early 2000. Life was tough back then and I was going thru a phase of adjusting. Stress at work adds to the buildup of my anger & resentment. Fortunate for me, I have these two dear friends that i comfort in. I frequent their work place during lunch hours in my effort to escape from my worries.

It was there that they introduced me to a book, THE LIGHT (aptly titled i must say) by Hassen Meeah. As I mentioned in my first blog, Im not much of a reader when it comes to religious books [forgive me again ;-) ] ... I took the book, not wanting to offend and being me, i tucked it away in my drawer at the office. Days turn to weeks, weeks turn to months and months turn to more months...still i made no effort to internalise the materials presented in The Light, until one fine day when things were really bad and i asked myself what should i do to ease this stress. Then it struck me that i have a copy of The Light tucked away in the far corner of my drawer... I brought it home and i started reading.

The Light is a book on Esmaa 'Ul Husnaaa 99 Names of Allah and the beautiful thing is, its in English...haha...The thing about me is that, whenever i read Religious books in Bahasa Malaysia, i always feel that its a lecture. Different is the case with this book. Its simple and easy to digest especially for someone as stubborn as me ;-) I am never good at memorising doas and whenever I do, it'll take me ages and to make things worse, I am not a patient man!! The Esmaa 'Ul Husnaa is different, there are no long verses to memorise, just names of Allah the Merciful and its just one syllable,almost ;-)

The Esmaa 'Ul Husnaa may be recited while you are asleep, or walking on the street, or sitting in the house, in the work place, in the bus, in the car etc etc. What awakens me from my deep sleep is that by reciting the names of the Almighty, i am actually calling for HELP from my Creator. His powers are limitless, He never fails me, unless my destiny is to take a dramatic turn.

I flipped thru the pages, trying to find the Esmaa 'Ul Husnaa that fits me well. Allah has His ways and i came accross YA MALIK (page 9..this is my fav coz it has changed me from the person I was to the person I am...its still a long winding road ahead, I hope I'll reach my goal, In Shaa Allah)

YA MALIK simply means The Soverign of Truth, The King of Kings. The Soverign Lord Who rules His Kingdom as He Pleases. Without the help of anyone, unless it so pleases. If one were to recite "Ya Malik" 100 times every morning, In Shaa Allah, the heart will be purified and will reap honour. This is what i want i told myself. I imagine this like Clorox bleach (forgive me for having such imagination, Allah knows my true intention) and what it'll do to my troubled state. So i embark diligently reciting this Esmaa 'Ul Husnaa on my daily commute to work. Alhamdulilah, I am almost there and i add to my collection other Esmaa 'Ul Husnaa and its building up, Alhamdulilah ;-)

I am not preaching here, please dont get me wrong. I just want to share what i have gained from Esmaa 'Ul Husnaa. Being a person as I am, who have little knowledge about my religion ( In Shaa Allah, it'll grow), i have gained a better insight of things around me through Esmaa 'Ul Husnaa. I am more content with what i have, i am more relaxed and my temperment has almost muted...haha.. I see things in their simplest forms. Whenever we want favors from friends, we ask, or else they wouldnt know what we want right? I believe the same applies to Allah, if I want His help, all i have to do is ask, In Shaa Allah, He will grant if it fits me well.

The internet is a gold mine of information. Google Esmaa 'Ul Husnaa or Asmaul Husna and you can just pick one that suits you well. My wish is that we find peace and happiness in our daily affairs and may we get the chance to see The Light, In Shaa Allah ;-)

Long overdue ;-)

بِسْــــــــــــــــــمِ اﷲِالرَّحْمَنِ اارَّحِيم

I have been meaning to write a blog and have always come to a block. I created this blog in January 2010 and have not pen anything since...haha...i just dont know what to write. 3 January 2013 should be a good day to start writing something, In Shaa Allah :-)

I would say, i started my New Year in a different mode this year, more towards a positive ie soul searching kinda thingy ( not that i am losing touch of my inner self...haha).

It started with me posting on my FB wall about how I have not been getting back on my reading. I have a collection of Jeffrey Archer's novel and its gathering dust on my bookshelf...haha... A good fren of mine, Nur Azlina suggested that i read Lore of Light - Stories from the lives of The Prophets ... I'm not much of a reader when it comes to religious books (forgive me). I guess faith has it that I read this kinda material... Zarina Rakawi, another good friend handed me Volume 1,2 & 3 of the books which she got from Azlina Nur. I dont know how am i going to handle the volumes for fear that the materials presented before me would be taxing. Ahamdulilah, as i turn the first page and started to read, little that i realised i was turning the pages and glued to it. The text are simple and easy to comprehend. I was able to clearly visualise what was written.

I am a Muslim by birth and my knowledge of my religion is nothing to be proud of. In my younger days I have attended Kelas Mengaji and a few Kelas Fardhu 'Ain and the likes but still it is not enough to prepare me for the hereafter. Maturity has its virtue I guess, thus my approach to how i have led my life changes. When i was growing up, i was taught by my late father (he passed on 9th April 2012) and my mom to recite Bismillah-ir-Rahman-ir-Rahim (In the Name of Allah, the Merciful, the Compassionate) whenever I embark on any task for Allah says "All my servants' sins will be forgiven by the blessing of that Holy Name; whenever any action is begun with the phrase (Bismillah-ir-Rahman-ir-Rahim), the endeavour is blessed, and I grant My servant success and forgiveness for his failings." Thats the one knowledge that I hold true to this very day but not knowing how the Bismillah-ir-Rahman-ir-Rahim came about. Praise Allah for He has open the doors of knowledge and thru the book Lore of Light, I have a new insight on Bismillah-ir-Rahman-ir-Rahim :-)

The opening of the book talks about the Creation of The Universe and thats where i found out how Allah created the Pen. The Holy Prophet s.a.w. said "In the beginning the Lord created the Pen from a jewel, the size of which was 500 years in length. Its nib was split and from it issued light, as ink issues from the nibs of our pens. The end of the Pen was attached to the Throne, and it was given into the hands of the angles. Each letter they wrote was the size of Jabal (Mount) Qaf, that was to say, it was gigantic"

That was just the tip of the iceberg on my knowledge of Bismillah-ir-Rahman-ir-Rahim. But what amazes me the most is the creation of Bismillah-ir-Rahman-ir-Rahim itself and the power of the phrase. Knowledge is indeed power and i am in the process of gaining some through The Lore of Light - Stories From The Lives of The Prophet, In Shaa Allah ;-)

Wow! I finally came up with something to write!! This is indeed an achievement according to my personal record..lol..Alhamdulilah. Though it will not win me any literary awards but that will suffice for my first attempt :-) ... In Shaa Allah, i'll find time to pen something else that crosses my mind...till then, have faith in our ability, i am certain theres light at the end of the tunnel...enuf said, cheers ;-)